Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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