I think I won the penis lottery.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
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Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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