Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize