I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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