the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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