I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
