I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
