1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Your tits are I can't wait for
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
