I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
