Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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