He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize