I skipped work to stalk him.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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