For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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