Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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