so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
