Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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