half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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