So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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