I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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