I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo