what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
