U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
