Can i not drive my cunt home
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I am naked and annoyed.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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