there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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