if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Someone came in the potted fern
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
