ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
