And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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