those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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