Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
