The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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