You don't have asthma, your pregnant
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
