the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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