Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
