God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint