We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
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Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...