I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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