Your dad touched me again.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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