Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
