sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
