i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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