....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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