If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
