I think my vagina is haunted
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
