textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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