dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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