Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
