I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
