...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
this is an emotional support booty call
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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