I was born with a shot glass in my hand
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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