Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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