i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
