I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I will be naked everywhere
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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