There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
