No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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