mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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