Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
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The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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