My friends, they love my intelligence
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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