The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You pole danced in your parka.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
