dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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