did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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