Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
