Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You were trust falling into bushes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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